Witch with a Captial B
by HarryLurvsMarsBars
Summary: Meant in many ways, but nothing a little ice cream can't fix. A poor, blind attempt at Lily/James


**A/N: **My first attempt at a Lily/James story, so bear with me. Good or bad I appreciate all feedback!

I suppressed a groan of discomfort, curling up in a self-pitying ball of queasiness as I fought the urge to throw up last night's dinner of trout and potatoes. My back ached and my head hurt, and I was inexplicably exhausted but couldn't find sleep.

For I, Lily Marie Potter, was PMS-ing. Bad.

Not that I had actually started my period, but it was getting close. Today was my day off from St. Mungo's and James was on some far-out Auror mission, leaving me to wallow in my misery all alone. No catering and back massages this week, no sirrie. One would think that being a Healer would allow me to sneak some 'special relief' that worked instantaneously, but, alas, I would just have to deal with the good old hit-or-miss potion and the sweet relief that only ice cream could bring.

As I finished the last bite of soupy strawberry-vanilla swirl I sat the empty container on the nightstand, turned on some pitiful classical music and pulled the comforter up to my chin. This was before I realized, however, that my hormones were starting to do horrible things and I felt a hot flash coming on. For Merlin's sake, could my body make up its damn mind? The chilly, snow-covered grounds of the Potter Mansion were looking less than inviting, and therefore the heating charm on the sheets and James' old Gryffindor sweatshirt were quite necessary; without them I would be freezing my arse off.

I needed more ice cream.

Throwing the covers off my self-inflicted overheated body, I sat up quickly and realized a moment too soon that this was a bad idea. I reached for the basin next to me and emptied my stomach contents into it. Retching even more at the awful taste (sugar-coated fish) in my mouth, I quickly scourgified the thing, summoned my toothbrush and such, and brushed my teeth in it as well. Getting rid of those contents, I sat the basin aside. Oh the joys of being a woman.

I was about to lay back down when I realized that another part of my extreme discomfort was because of my stupid bra. Why was I wearing a bra? _Because I was too lazy and tired to take it off last night. _Oh yeah. That's why. I sighed and, using as little effort as possible, I shoved my arms through the sleeves of my sweatshirt so it hung around my neck, unhooked and removed my lacy, forest green bra, and settled back into my warm sweater happily before looking at the unholy object lying next to me. Scowling, I threw it at the door, but instead hit the person walking through it.

"Hey!" he said indignantly, removing the undergarment from his ridiculously handsome face. "Is that any way to greet your best man?"

My shriek of surprise caught in my throat when I realized it was only Sirius. I told myself that he was lucky I felt like such shit. "You weren't _my_ best man, you were James's," I reminded with a glare. "And how many times have I told you to owl before you come barging over?" I ducked back under the covers and pouted, even though I was secretly glad for the company, no matter how annoying.

Sirius chuckled and I could imagine the attractive crooked smirk that was on his face right now. "Now Lilykins, you know I'm just here because James is a paranoid bastard who thinks you can't take care of yourself." He placed rapid-fire kisses on my neck one-hundred percent playful and maybe only five percent flirting. That didn't add up right, but I was too tired to assess the situation.

"Not now, Sirius, I'm PMS-ing and feeling pretty bitchy, so if you really want to stay prepare for all kinds of bitchiness – that includes hexes," I warned with my eyes closed.

He grabbed my left hand, which was playing with my hair, and observed the two rings on my fourth finger. One of them was my engagement ring, three princess-cut emeralds (James said it was perfect because not only did it match my eyes, but that I was his princess; I nearly gagged, and he knew it too, but it was still kind of romantic). The second was my wedding band, placed there only five weeks ago by James. It was a Potter heirloom, absolutely gorgeous, with rose-cut diamonds of all sizes set in platinum all around the band. "You have pretty rings," he remarked idly.

_No shit_, I thought to myself. Merlin's pants, talking to this man was like talking to a four-year old sometimes. I groaned and opened my eyes wearily. "Sirius, is there something in particular that you need, or are we safe to say that I'm okay to take care of myself while sleeping?"

His warm hand still surrounded mine and I felt him finger my wedding band. "I just still can't believe he married you."

I snatched my hand away and searched for my wand. "Sirius, what did you not understand about bitchiness and hexing?"

Sirius looked terrified, though from his words or the fact that he realized I wasn't kidding I wasn't sure. Probably the latter, but I still accepted his 'apology.' "That's not what I meant. I don't know if he told you this, but when we were thirteen, James, Remus, Peter and I all made a vow to each other that we would never get married. Did you know that, huh? Did you?"

I rolled my eyes, but my hand still rested loosely around my wand. "Believe it or not Sirius, I do. And I hate to break it to you, but I think that _they_ at least grew out of the promises you all made at the tender age of thirteen."

I had to repress a snort of laughter at the haughty expression that swept across his face as he crossed is arms and stuck his nose in the air in a very Petunia-ish manner. "A Marauder never breaks a promise. We promised that too, you know."

I sighed exasperatedly. "Well, can't you make an exception for me? He did chase me for nearly six years."

Sirius smiled a bit at that and looked down at me. "For you only, my precious, delicate, beautiful little flower."

"Sirius…"

"Right. Bitchiness; sorry."

There was a moment's silence before I remembered another important someone. "How's Mei-Mei doing? I haven't owled her in ages, what with the post being hacked and all."

Sirius's face brightened at the mention of his girlfriend of four years and my best girlfriend for ten. Mei Bennett was by far the most gorgeous girl I have yet to meet. Her mother is Chinese and met her father, Walter Bennett, while he was studying abroad in Beijing. In my Healing training during the midwife course I learned that the Asian gene is very dominant, and through that I learned how different Mei is in this situation. Her eyes have the definite Asian pronunciation, but they are wide like a Caucasian's; not to mention they're honey brown. She has perfectly straight, dark chocolate hair that is thick and full of body. Her actual body is to die for, as well. Needless to say, when she and Sirius walk down the street, heads turn.

"Great. We have a very good un-marriage," he replied happily. Sirius would never admit it to anyone outside of Mei herself, except maybe James, but I can see in his stormy gray eyes that he loves her like nothing he's ever loved before. Despite this outstanding fact, I really do believe that they will never get married. 'Un-marriage' is what they call their situation; living together, loving together, but nothing more. Personally, I thought it was a beautiful lifestyle, but to avoid being called something sappier than 'delicate' and 'precious' I avoided speaking about it. "I just wish that this war would be over soon. That birth control potion is a pain in the rear."

I smiled. The idea of Sirius being a father I found both terrifying and adorable. "Yeah, Mei-Mei said you had talked about kids after it was finished."

Wait. What had he just said? Something clicked inside my head at the words 'birth control'. James and I had hardly had the time to do anything that would make that potion useful. Our would-have-been honeymoon was spent unpacking boxes as we moved in to the Potter Mansion, upholding the late Mrs. Potter's wishes of us not living together until we were married. But there was a couple times since then that we had done the deed. And we hadn't… Holy mother of Merlin!

"Holy mother of Merlin, Sirius!"

He looked genuinely alarmed. "What?"

"I have to puke!"

Not caring that I was dressed only in James's sweatshirt and a pair of underwear as well as forgetting my trusty basin, I rushed to the bathroom that was connected to the opposite side of the room, bent over the toilet and promptly threw up again.

I heard footsteps rush after me and before long a large hand was on my back and its twin holding back my hair. When I was finished I looked back at him and stood up without thinking. My feet carried me to the closet and I took out the potions kit.

"Lily, what is going on?"

I ignored him. Males. Daft, daft males. Any female would have picked up right away. Why was my best friend male? Why, why, why, why, why?

All of this rushed through my head as I concocted the routine potion, adding this and that like I did on a regular basis at St. Mungo's. I shoved a baffled Sirius out of the double doors, collected a cup of my own pee, and poured it into the potion.

It instantly turned blue.

As in positive.

As in I was pregnant.

Holy mother of Merlin!

I swiftly opened the door to find Sirius standing exactly as I had left him when I had shut the door in his face. "I'm pregnant!" I exclaimed, shoving the potion under his nose, as if he couldn't see it well enough otherwise.

His nose wrinkled. "Lily, that smells something foul! What is – wait, what did you say?"

"I'm pregnant!"

My excitement mixed with anxiety and hormones and yet again I had to vomit. I forced the potion into his hands and went back to my new mate Mr. Toilet before brushing my teeth again and heading back to find Sirius.

I half expected to discover him where I had left him, but instead I found him clutching the bottle of potion and staring blankly at the opposite wall.

"Sirius?" I questioned hesitantly, looking to make sure he was still breathing. "Sirius, are you okay?"

His gray eyes snapped to mine, as if he just realized I was there. "Lily!"

I was slightly amused. "Sirius!" I retorted mockingly.

He just stared at me for a minute. "_James_ got you pregnant?" He emphasized James's name, elongating all of the syllables.

I looked at him like he was insane. "No, Dumbledore did. Of course James got me pregnant you bimbo!"

Sirius stood up and hugged me tightly. Pulling back, he pretended to wipe tears from his eyes. "You've just made me the happiest man on earth."

At that moment James walked through the door looking tired and hungry (yes, I can tell when a man is hungry). He needed a shave, also. Before I could do or say a word to him Sirius rushed over and wrapped his arms around James.

"Uh, Padfoot? Would you care to explain to me why you're in my bedroom with my half-naked wife and acting very suspicious right now?" I could see both amusement in his eyes, because he knew neither Sirius nor I one would never step out on him, but there was also a bit of bewilderment at his best friend's strange (yet horribly typical) behavior.

"Oh, Jamsiepoo, it's just the most wonderful news! You see, I'm going to be a –"

I hit him with a langlock curse, shoved him away from my husband and gave James a welcome-home kiss he wouldn't forget. "I'm pregnant," I whispered into his ear. And then I crushed my lips to his in a kiss deeper than we have ever experienced, his arms surrounding me like a protective blanket.

"This is wonderful, darling," he said excitedly. Behind him Sirius was doing the international choking sign a little too dramatically, and it was actually quite funny, but I was suddenly in such a good mood I lifted the curse.

Coughing and sputtering, Sirius dramatically heaved enough breaths to force out, "Prongs, mate, I love her to death, but her mood swings are, like, queen of all bitches."

I turned back to James. "I already warned him today I was feeling bitchy. He didn't believe me."

James looked incredulously at Sirius. "Padfoot, really, when the lady says she's feeling bitchy, she's feeling bitchy!"

Sirius scoffed. "Well, thanks. Now I know."

There was a couple moments of awkward silence. "Um, Padfoot, mate, this is kind of a special moment. Why don't you skedaddle back home to your loving un-marriage while we catch up with each other?"

Sirius looked slightly crestfallen. "But –"

"Beat it!"

The man looked very much like an overgrown toddler who had just been told he couldn't have any more cookies. "Fine. But I expect a new title for me when I return in a couple of days. It starts with a 'G' just as a hint!"

"And what's that, Giant Git?" I called as he stormed out the room. I had the strong impression that he very much wanted to give me the finger, but repressed it. I watched him through the window and made sure that he had Apparated home before turning back to James.

"Do you want to make him godfather?" I asked. "If something did happen to us, I honestly can't think of a better person for our child to grow up with, as far as upholding the same values as ourselves."

He cut me off with his lips, and I sighed contentedly into his warm mouth but the rough, overgrown stubble was wearing on my skin.

"James, you need to shave," I remarked, trailing my hand over his cheek.

James smirked at me. "You don't think it gives me an edge? Maybe makes me a bit more ruggedly handsome?"

I giggled. "You know, girls at Hogwarts used to say that Sirius was the rugged one and you were more classically handsome. Personally, I prefer classically handsome over rugged."

He started to speak again but I pressed a finger over his lips. "Put it to you like this; if you want to get laid anytime soon, shave it off right now."

James smiled down at me genuinely. "Anything for you, darling."

I grinned back. That was the statement every true bitchy, hormonal woman likes to hear.

And I loved it.


End file.
